What’s the deelie??? I had 2 hours of sleep today (due to a body building American) and on top of that I have the headache of the apocalypse (also attributed to the a fore mentioned American) so as result I am one moody nine-sided whore merchant with a heart full of hatred and rage. So as by way of therapy I give to you the list of Miss Noel’s most hated things of things….
1. Makeup Counter Girls
These are the most despicable of creatures, the lowest of the low, they imbibe more chemicals then your average heroin addict. One usually finds these whore-sacks with one hand on hip with a face that says “Yeah dalin this face is all natural innit.” My fucking ass is that luminescent orange excuse of a face natural unless your mum fucked a Cheeto or a Wotsit. They are so irritating that you just want to give them a good slap round their mineral encrusted face… but you know that would be utterly pointless because with that inch thick layer of makeup they have on, they wouldn’t even feel a bull dozer running over it - let alone a fucking slap. Maddening.
So here me makeup bumsluts- drop the attitude- you are useless pieces of detritus and make Jackie Stalone look hot. Lay off the fake tan, choose the right texture and colour of foundation and learn to blend that blush bitches.
2. Tye Dye
Possibly the most offensive man made pattern in the entire world -I would rather wear a “Birkini” then a tye dye item. It looks as though a seagull who has been force fed a multitude of Skittles has shat on you from a great height. Science shows that wearing tye dye increases your chance of getting leprosy by 70%. Embrace block colour whores.
3. Scrunchies
These monstrosities plagued the era that fashion forgot, why whY WHY do people want to revive them?They are disgusterous. When you wear a scrunchie you are signaling to the world that you have given up on life, the universe and everything. By wearing the s-word you are just one step away from being a lonely, mustard yellow polo-neck wearing dyke who gets eaten by her cats. If you find yourself ever reaching for this blob of impending doom, don a straight jacket and book yourself into the Priory….for life.
4. Crocs
The scrunchie’s equally, if not more -ugly sister. Why would you chose to wear something that resembles Swiss cheese… on your feet? They are the biggest fashion crime out. I personally would rather put my own child in a blender then wear them. Crocs are to fashion what Hitler was to the Jews….pure evil.
5. : ( : ) EMOTICONS : p ; )
Those yellow splodges created from the dregs of all symbols…punctuation. These atrocities have forcefully invaded all forms of communication and are destroying the minds of millions across the world, they are pure evil. People, are you really that linguistically inept that you can not express how you feel in words? If so, then you are excess baggage in the air port of life, die-do not pass go and do not collect £200.
N.B For those of you who hate emoticons the below link is most therapeutic:
http://www.emoticonzoo.com/hate-emoticons/
6. Generic Ladies Loo Signs
Those block black shapes that are meant to resemble the female of the species. I am sorry but what’s with the bald head?? I know the risk of getting cancer is increasing year by year but we are not all chemo patients. Please Mr/Mrs/Ms/ Miss (delete as appropriate) loo sign manufacture- Give us silky manes and stop with the doom and gloom signs that say YOU WILL DIE OF CANCER AND WILL HAVE NO HAIR AND LOOK LIKE E.T. BY THE TIME YOU HAVE REACHED MENOPAUSE. Thank you.
7. LOL
“I walked into a lamppost-LOL,” “I spilt coffee all over my boss-LOL” “I chopped a squirrels balls of by accident with a chainsaw-LOL.” Lies, lies, lies, you didn’t fucking laugh you swore you numpty-arse licking- pig headed-semen lapping-git. Lol represents the free riding drainers of society- people who think they are funny but are not- To all you LOL users out there- fly to Darfur and sample the local delights, Steel a conflict diamond off Mugabe, Go to the latest Taliban hotspot and jizz in the direction of Mecca, Go to Mexico and Puerto Rico and hand the inhabitants mops and cloths and tell them that their future lies in cleaning bathroom tiles and kitchen surfaces, Hell give a member of the Crips some sugar cane and tell him to go back to his roots. Just do anything that will eradicate your presence on this planet.
8. Chill Out, Chill, Take a Chill Pill
The phrases that inspire hatred and loathing in many emotional individuals. So what I am dramatic and I like to soak in a swamp full of hate and anger and lather rage all over my body, leave me the fuck alone or the only thing that will be chilled you shit-bucket is your body…in a morgue.
